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May 23, 2022
Amy Feltman's Playlist for Her Novel "All the Things We Don't Talk About"
In the Book Notes series, authors create and discuss a music playlist that relates in some way to their recently published book.
Previous contributors include Jesmyn Ward, Lauren Groff, Bret Easton Ellis, Celeste Ng, T.C. Boyle, Dana Spiotta, Amy Bloom, Aimee Bender, Roxane Gay, and many others.
Amy Feltman's novel All the Things We Don't Talk About is a nuanced and moving portrait of contemporary family.
Publishers Weekly wrote of the book:
"[A] nuanced portrait of a nonbinary teen’s coming-of-age amid intense family dynamics. . . Feltman brings empathy and moments of grace to her characters. This is worth a look."
In her own words, here is Amy Feltman's Book Notes music playlist for her novel All the Things We Don't Talk About:
My second novel, All the Things We Don’t Talk About, is the story of Morgan, a nonbinary teenager; Julian, their autistic father; and Zoe, Morgan’s mother, who abandoned them both. The book explores what happens when Zoe, a self-destructive force at the height of her addiction, comes crashing back onto the scene. Brigid, Zoe’s ex, also plays a key role in the book, as Julian’s close friend and confidant; and Sadie, Morgan’s love interest, is also affected by the ripples from Zoe’s tumultuous reappearance. Kirkus Reviews says of All the Things We Don’t Talk About: “Solidly in the category of worthwhile reads… a multidimensional family drama,” and Lynn Steger Strong says of the novel, “As contemporary and surprising as it is acutely felt, Amy Feltman's All The Things We Don't Talk About explores all the ways we get in our own way as we try and fail and try again to care for one another; how love that's flawed can still be fierce and true, worth fighting for."
Music is everything to me when I’m writing. As high maintenance as this sounds, the wrong soundtrack can make every sentence I write feel sticky and ineffective. The title of this novel comes from Mitski’s brilliant album Be the Cowboy, to which I am forever indebted (Mitski, I love you!) and so many moments came to me through music. Morgan, Julian, and Zoe both have strong relationships to music, too, and it was a pleasure to get to incorporate their connections to Mitski, Fiona Apple, David Bowie, and others into the fabric of the book.
1 The XX, “Shelter”
I started writing the very earliest forms of this project back in 2010, when I was a senior in college at Vassar. This is the first song I remember listening to in those days—probably a thousand times, apologies to SoCo 3! There’s something about the earnest yearning in Romy Madley Croft singing: “Maybe I had said something that was wrong / can I make it better with the lights turned on?” Romy is also queer, and I wonder whether there was a sense of that in her performance that I connected with. The sense of shame, and the desire to fix what’s been wronged, are really core to the story of these characters and their intersections. In a sense, this whole novel is about what happens when the lights are turned on.
2 David Bowie, “Julie”
Julian’s favorite singer is David Bowie; this is his preferred soundtrack for some intense puzzling. This song, a B side from 1987’s "Never Let Me Down," is a pretty deep cut, so I wanted to make sure it was something that indicated Julian’s super fan status. “Julie, remember me all the days of your life,” is also a refrain for Julian because his mother, Cheryl, dies not long before the start of the book, and Julian’s tackling what it means to live with this grief for the first time. I was also drawn to the idea that Julian’s used to David’s Bowie’s iconic experimentation around gender and fashion. Later, when Morgan comes out as nonbinary, Julian’s only concern is how his behavior will need to change as parent; there’s never a moment where Julian’s confused or disparaging about what Morgan has shared.
3 Foals, “What Went Down”
I’m very particular about my writing soundtrack—sometimes I’m in it for the lyrics, other times for the vocals or the build of the music itself. This one is all about the lyrics for me. The first track of Foals’ 2015 album of the same name, it announces itself in a near shout: “I BURIED MY HEART IN A HOLE IN THE GROUND,” which is pure Zoe. Self-destructed and self-alienated, Zoe would do anything to leave her feelings deep in the dirt; and in many ways, this is a story about her learning to let those impulses go.
4 Sylvan Esso, “Dress”
Originally, Morgan’s girlfriend Sadie was a point of view character, and for her chapters, I felt really drawn to electropop with lots of looping. Sadie and Morgan’s relationship was one of the entry points into this story for me, and I loved exploring their unlikely bond. Morgan’s gender identity evolved as I worked on this project—culturally, discourse about gender identity and expression is light years from where it was in 2010—but I always thought of Morgan, who identifies as non-binary, as being more drawn to things considered ‘feminine’ rather than ‘masculine.’ Morgan’s more interested in the part of themself that feels like a morning star than they are about fitting into stereotypical gender roles; and Sadie’s attraction to that quality is something they never dared to imagine.
5 Mitski, “A Pearl”
When I first heard this song, it instantly became the anthem of the book. Mitski is a deceptively simple lyricist, and so many of her lines are emotional gut punches—but none hurt me so much as this one: “You’re growing tired of me / and all things I don’t talk about,” which is where the title of the book originated. Morgan and Zoe both share a deep fear that, if they’re ever vulnerable show their true selves, they’ll be rejected; and that fear leads them to do self-destructive things that beat their loved ones to the punch. In the book, Morgan and Zoe listen to the song together, and later, relapsing alone in her car, Zoe hears the line as it pertains to her child’s behavior, too.
6 Fiona Apple “Fast As You Can”
It was actually a different Fiona Apple song that I wanted Zoe and Morgan to listen to together at the zoo—"Heavy Balloon," off the 2020 masterpiece Fetch the Bolt Cutters--but that begged so pandemic-timeline questions I pivoted back to a childhood favorite, "Fast As You Can." Fiona Apple’s singing is distinctively raspy and jumpy, both qualities I associate with Zoe; and she considers this to be ‘her’ song: “I may be soft in your palm/ but I will grow hungry for a fight / and I will not let you win.” I find this song to be both chaotic, but contemplative; aggressive but also seeking protection. So many of Zoe’s actions are jumbled from the person that she intends to be.
7 Wilsen “Fuse”
Wilsen is my favorite local artist, and their 2020 album Ruiner kept me company through many, many hours of editing this book into its final form (it was originally double this length!) “Fuse” has some dreamy production, and the vocals are light and part of the same melancholy soundscape. Then, the song comes to a total breaking point and transports you to a different place altogether, something wide and other-worldly as Tamsin Wilson repeats: “The darkest days/ ain’t got nothing on you.”
I put this on to write a scene in which Zoe drags Morgan to a gala where she knows her ex, Brigid, will be. For Morgan, getting to attend a fancy event with their mom is exciting enough; but it’s also the first time Morgan has ever left the house with makeup on and clothes that match their gender expression. There’s a triumphant feeling in the lines “Not going back, not going to lose/ ready to disco, baby” that aligned with the book. At the same time, Brigid knows that it’s a disaster for Morgan to be there with Zoe, and she can see Zoe drinking at the event and sees things heading south. From afar, Brigid has watched Morgan grow up through corresponding with Julian, and she’s devastated that their first meeting is going this way.
8 Adia Victoria “Get Lonely”
Depending on your emotional constitution, you may not think your ex’s ex is your best bet for a best friend, but it works for Brigid and Julian. After Zoe disappeared to Europe shortly following Morgan’s first birthday, her father hires an investigator to find out where she’s gone, and he turns up with a huge amount of information about Zoe’s new partner, Brigid. Julian reaches out to her because he feels unethical (and creepy) about how this came to be, and the two of them strike up a friendship that’s been going strong for fifteen years. Adia Victoria’s song “Get Lonely” expresses the desire for companionship, not a desire for a person to fix all of your emotional needs, and it became a theme song when working on Brigid and Julian’s scenes.
9 Neko Case “Hold on, Hold on”
“The most tender place in my heart is for strangers/ I know it’s unkind, but my own love is much too dangerous,” Neko Case sings in this magical, under-three minute anthem of not trusting yourself, but hoping that one day you might be able to.
10 Ex: Re “I can’t keep you”
Daughter’s Elena Tonra’s side project is just as emotionally ravaging and broody as Daughter, but a little more heartbroken. I love the starkness of these lyrics: “In the evenings, and the sight of you in my kitchen / you come around here to get high / and I sometimes find you childish / and I sometimes find you mesmerizing.” I think this song really encapsulates the push and pull of loving someone in the throes of addiction. Julian and Brigid both struggle with how to cope with Zoe’s addiction and how to reconcile her behavior with the good qualities and warm memories of the past; and they struggle with whether they can trust in her ability to stay sober and return to living life as that person.
11 Lemolo “Runner”
“Feel it all, feel it all,” this Lemolo song begins, and that’s where I wanted this book to end. In the conclusion, without giving anything away (please read my book!), these characters face an emotional ending in which all the things that we don’t talk about come to a head.
Amy Feltman graduated with an MFA in Fiction from Columbia University in 2016, and now works at Poets & Writers magazine. Her writing has appeared in The Believer logger, The Toast, The Millions, The Rumpus, and elsewhere. Her short story Speculoos was nominated for a Pushcart Prize in 2016 and was long-listed for Glimmer Train's Short Story Award for New Writers. She lives with her partner in Astoria, New York.
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